Manufactured News Network(tm): Weakend Update

"Where Democracy Dies In Darkness If We Have Anything To Say About It!"

(Washington, D.C.) In the wake of bombshell revelations that then-FBI Director Mueller knew of Sec. Clinton's bribery in the Russian Uranium Deal, the now-Special Counsel is opening a new investigation.

"After discovering that I covered-up Hillary's bribe-taking and collusion with Putin, my crack team of Hillary donors and I are now launching a thorough investigation of me. What did I know and when did I know it? You can rest assured that we will get to the bottom of me!"

(Hollywood, California) Film Mogul Harvey Weinstein has released the following statement:

"I came of age in the 1960's and '70's when all the rules about workplaces and making self-serving circular excuses were changing. That's not an excuse. But if you'll just give me another 40 years, I should have it just about right. In the meantime, can I buy you off by focusing my anger on the NRA? Buying people off has worked so well for me before. And that's why I am heroically calling for taking handguns out of the hands of angry actresses!"

(Jackson, Mississippi) Davis Elementary School, which is named in honor of the first President of the Confederacy Jefferson Davis, will undergo a name change. It will now be re-named in honor of the first African-American president Barack Obama.

"However," said the principal, "while we wanted to change the name, we don't have the funds to change all the signs. So we decided to name the school after the president's real name, Frank Marshall Davis, Jr.. Therefore, Davis Elementary will now be known as Davis Elementary."

Q: Which one is the Communist pornographer? Trick question!

No Smoking on the Playground, kidz!

Reading, Writing and Wiretapping your Opponents

(Manchester, Pakistan) The British Government has ruled that the Ariana Grande concert bombing by an Islamic terrorist was not a hate crime nor religiously motivated, but strongly-worded music criticism.

In other news, the government announced the Crusades were All About the Oil(tm), the Inquisition was a playful Q & A that got out of hand, the Holocaust was caused by Global Warming and Friday mosque attendance is now mandatory.

(pictured here:) London's famous Double-Decker Buses

And in Sports News, Colin Kapernick has filed a grievance against his barber for malpractice. Meanwhile, authorities are investigating his girlfriend for Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor-Leaguer.

In Entertainment, later tonight on Kimmel-SPAN, Jimmy discusses the Federal Reserve Board and monetary policy with a starlet of Harvey Weinstein's choosing. Other guests include Jon Stewart, who will discuss the Jon Stewart Two-Step with the front-running Conscience of the Nation. That is, how to grandstand on the issues, but when challenged, put on the clown nose and say, "Hey, I'm just a comedian!" If only.

And in Local News, Jerry Brown, Mayor of California, has declared today "Sanctuary Arson Day".