MNN Breaking News: UPDATE

Manufactured News Network: “Sticking To the Story Like a Refrigerator Magnet to Your Injection Site!”

BREAKING NOW...

(City of George Washington, District of Christopher Columbus) The FBI just announced a huge breakthrough in their Reichstag “Take Your Informant to Work-Day”-investigation.

FBI Directo Wray: “Based on calls to our TIPS-Line, we believe there will be attacks on the Boston Marathon and at Marjorie Stoneman-Dou–oh, wait…those are old tips. Here it is…based on calls to our Tips-Line, we have arrested two mopes for the pipe-bombs planted at the Capitol Insurrection, the worst disaster in world history, including the Great Flood, Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the Holocaust, the Civil War and whatever Baldwin’s latest vehicle is."

The DOJ is expected to bring charges within ten to twenty working years and released this photo of the two perps:

“Hold me. Hold me now.”

News of these long overdue arrests comes on the heels of the news that infiltrators successfully broke up the FBI's plot to kidnap Gov. Whitmer. Congratulations to all!

In other area news, local man Polident Biden, in a rare moment of lucidity, was able to break free of his nurse, grab Speaker Pelosi's nuclear football and barricade himself in the Oval Office and begin broadcasting: 

"My Pharaoh Americans; If Richard Nixon can give Elvis a DEA badge, then I can certainly give ANTIFA their own FBI badges for The Antifa/FBI Coalition's heroic work at the Capitol on Jan. 6th--in fact, er, er, um, uh, its this its going to be or, excuse me, we, we, we know why." 

The higher authorities who actually run the place were finally able to coax him off the ledge, but  not before Biden extracted a promise. While ANTFAs will not receive badges, government vehicles, pensions or 364 paid holidays a year like all other government employees, they will be able to keep their government-issued MAGA-hats as a memento of that special, special day when Trump's Police State was defeated.

"So Rod Rosenstein asked you to wear this bug?"
"Yes, sir, Mr. President."
"How did that make you feel, Elvis?"
"I'm all shook up, sir."

In Science News, astronomers are studying this tweet from another planet:

Meanwhile, closer to Earth:

(Chapel Hill, NC) Genetic scientists at UNC's "They'll Never Laugh At Me Again!"-Institute of Virology are working feverish on a never-before-seen type of mRNA that would allow them to insert a backbone into Congress.

"Our goal," said researcher Peter Daszak, top veterinarian and $alesman of the Year, "is that this new mRNA vaccine will prevent lawmakers from being overwhelmed by messages from Big Tech, like their old mRNA does."

Our Founder: Dr. Alfred E. Franken-Fauci, Director, Wuhan Murder Hornet Lab
& Patent Medicine Emporium:
"He put the "mad" in "mad science"...but not the "science"."

And in International News, Australia is celebrating Pioneer Days by becoming a penal colony again.

Manufactured News Network: "They Had to Call It "Bluetooth" Because Hunter Doesn't Use Yellow!"