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BREAKING...BREAKING...BROKEN:

SEN. MITCH McCONNELL DECLARES VICTORY IN PREVENTING REPUBLICAN TAKEOVER OF SENATE

Pictured here: McConnell joyous upon learning he will be allowed to launder Ted Kennedy's used jock-straps.
Lightly used.

(Awashington, D.C.) "It was touch-and-go there for a while, but I think we have avoided the worst of it and have kept the Senate safely in the hands of my esteemed colleague Chuck Schumer," said McConnell. "Congratulations to all my RNC staff for a job well done."

McConnell said he still had to deal with the threat of a Herschel Walker run-off, but "I think we can prevent such an unseemly outcome with the help of Gov. Kemp and our vote-counting partners in Shenzhen," said the staunchly conservative(tm) Minority Leader from Cantonky.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to attend a fundraiser for 'Multi-Billionaire Bond Villains for Our Boy Ron DeSantis'--and you're not a member."

According to people and ogres familiar with the matter, if successful, DeSantis would then have to go neck-and-neck against Democrat presidential favorite John Fetterman.

"Turnips are singularly broad-minded.”
–G.K. Chesterton, Heretics

Manufactured News Network: "With 99% of All Precincts in the Kitchen Reporting, Our Decision Desk Projects That We Have Won Statehood For My Living Room!"