MNN'S MOURNING AFTER REPORT

BREAKING NOW...

* IN A STUNNING UPSET, DEMOCRATS ANNOUNCED THAT THE WINNER OF THE WISCONSIN GOVERNOR PRIMARY IS BERNIE SANDERS, WHICH IS AMAZING BECAUSE HE WASN'T EVEN RUNNING

"WE STOLE TWO NOMINATIONS FROM BERNIE AND PUT HIS WIFE UNDER PERMANENT FBI INVESTIGATION TO KEEP HIM IN LINE," SAID PARTY SPOKESMAN CLINT "ROD" HAMM. "SO WE FIGURED IT'S HONG'S TURN TO GET THE BERNIE TREATMENT."

"WE'VE JUST FOUND THAT THIS WHOLE 'DEMOCRACY'- THING WORKS A LOT BETTER WHEN WE PICK THE WINNERS HERE AT HEADQUARTERS FIRST", HE ADDED

Pictured here: Bernie celebrates his unexpected primary win over vodka toasts with his Russian friends who are now his enemies since he allied himself with Ukrainian Nazis for the same World Oligarchy which he regularly denounces--it's complicated

* THE "WINNER" OF THE PRIMARY DAVID CROWLEY ABANDONED THE RACE ONCE BECAUSE OF FRANCESCA HONG'S RUNAWAY LEAD IN THE POLLS--AND MAGICALLY, HE STILL WON!

HONG'S COMMUNIST SUPPORTERS SUSPECT FOUL PLAY IN THE GOVERNOR'S RACE, ESPECIALLY AFTER CROWLEY WON BY 81 MILLION VOTES

EVEN A STOPPED COSSACK IS RIGHT TWICE A DAY!

*  THE WISCONSIN DEMOCRAT PARTY PROMISES THAT AS A CONSOLATION PRIZE, FRANCESCA HONG WILL BE GIVEN THE EMPTY LUGGAGE WHICH WERE UNLOADED DURING THE USUAL 3 AM WATER MAIN BREAK

* SPLC'S HEIDI BEIRICH WAS ARRESTED FOR CREATING PHONY FRONT COMPANIES TO FUNNEL MONEY TO HER NAZI BOYFRIEND, JUST LIKE CONGRESS AND THE CIA DOES WITH THEIR NAZI BOYFRIEND

Death and Dollar Signs:
the Nazi Dictator "Herr Moneybags" Zelensky

* THE DOJ ARRESTED 11 DEFENDANTS FOR CHINESE MARRIAGE FRAUD SCHEMES

SEN. McCONNELL WAS RELEASED ON HIS OWN RECOGNIZANCE DESPITE HAVING DIED A MONTH AGO

Manufactured News Network: "We Can Quit Anytime We Want!"