The Manufactured News Network: The "Fix-is-In" Edition

MNN: News Made in America--Not That Cheap, Disposable News They Manufacture in China!

*(The Pentagon, Washington, D.C.) Coming on the high heels of the decision to fight our wars with the Bruce Jenner Brigades, President Obama today made another historic choice preference decision he was born that way.

"Today, I am removing the last barrier to military service by any individual for a group that has always demonstrated a keen interest in our military and an unquenchable desire to serve on the battlefield."

"We need to avail ourselves of all talent possible in order to remain what we are now -- the finest fighting force/jobs program/social lab rats the world has ever known. That is why, in the spirit of inclusion, we must finally allow these dedicated people to serve openly in the U.S. military."

"I mean, of course, Gitmo Detainees."

"Think about it; they've been studying us closely at Guantanamo, their commitment is lifelong and you just can't keep them from returning to the battlefield," said the President.

Sec. of Defense Ash Carter said the new Gitmo Brigades would be run out of the Mohammed Atta Memorial Wing of the Pentagon, where arrows would be painted on the floor pointing towards Mecca "because it's so easy to get turned around inside this building!" ...........................

*In other news, Atty. General Loretta Lynch admitted having a secret meeting with Bill Clinton on her airplane.

“I did see President Clinton at the Phoenix airport. As I was leaving and he spoke to myself and my husband on the plane. Our conversation was a great deal about his grandchildren. It was primarily social and about our travels. He mentioned the golf he played in Phoenix.”

"And speaking of playing ball, he said, we spoke briefly about how I should quash the indictments if I wanted to keep my job in a Hillary administration," she added. And subtracted. And calculated. .......................

This Special News Report has been sponsored by Fix-O-Dem, the denture adhesive preferred by Granny Clinton: "It helps you keep your mouth shut. Capish?"

FIX-O-DEM--For All Your "Fix-is-In" Needs!

UPDATE: All Highly Improper:
* Bill Supposedly in town to play golf--in 110 degree heat!
*Federal Imperial Bodyguards Stop All Photography of Secret Meeting on tarmac
*48 hours later Lynch asks Judge to bury Clinton e-mails for 3 more years. 
*Bill himself is a target in the Clinton Foundation Thrift & Grift Bribery Probe.
*Prosecutor Rudy Giuliani met with Mob Boss John Gotti on tarmac to discuss grandkids and golf.
*One of these didn't happen.