MNN's Headlice News

 "It Bugs Us, Too!"

BREAKING NOW...

* SENATOR JOHN THUNESCHUMER PUSHED BACK AGAINST CHARGES THAT HIS NO-SHOW SENATE ACCOMPLISHED LITTLE OR NOTHING BEFORE GOING ON THEIR SEMI-PERMANENT VACATIONS AGAIN

"WE ACCOMPLISHED THE NUMBER ONE GOAL DEMANDED BY THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: PRETENDING MITCH McCONNELL IS STILL ALIVE," SAID THE PROFESSIONAL UNIPARTY ELECTION THIEF

“These rubes will believe anything, Chuck.”

* AFTER A GRUELING TECHNICAL AUDIT, COMPUTER ANALYSTS HAVE DISCOVERED THE CAUSE OF THE "HUMAN ERRORS" IN THE WISCONSIN ELECTION

"THE TECHNICAL TERM FOR IT IS "WE WANTED TO WIN SO WE CHEATED"", SAID THE EXPERTS

"THEY CONFIGURED THE RESULTS. IT WAS A SET-UP."

*  TOP CHINESE SPY AND TRAINED SNIPER BUYS BUILDING 650 FEET FROM WHITE HOUSE THROUGH BOASBERG & ASSOCIATES REALTY OF BUTLER PA

BOASBERG REALTY RECEIVED THE USUAL CO-MISSION

The Pac-Man Perimeter:

"Location, location, location!"

* TUCKER CARLSON ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS, IN FACT, THE TWELFTH IMAM AND WILL BE STARTING A NEW POLITICAL PARTY CALLED WHATEVER QATAR WANTS IT TO BE CALLED

TO CELEBRATE, IMAM CARLSON WILL GET A TATTOO OF GRAHAM PLATNER ON HIS CHEST, AS SOON AS HE HAS THE PREVIOUS RICK ASTLEY TAT REMOVED

Carlson: a tat for tit!

* AFTER JAMES O'KEEFE AND CAM HIGBY WENT UNDERCOVER AS A MUSLIM COUPLE TO EXPOSE ELECTION FRAUD, MINNESOTA SEC/STATE STEVE SIMON CHARGED THEM WITH "IMPERSONATING OUR HOLY MUSLIM BETTERS AT A POLLING PLACE, PRECINCT BE UPON HIM"

HOWEVER, CHARGES WERE DROPPED SINCE THEY COULDN'T HAVE BEEN IMPERSONATING MINNESOTA MUSLIMS, AS THEY HAD NO SUITCASES FULL OF HUNDREDS GIVEN TO THEM BY TIM WALZ, AS REQUIRED BY STATUTE

* AND IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS, BRITISH POLICE HAVE FOUND AND ARRESTED THE JOURNALIST WHO CRIMINALLY NOTICED "DR." JASON ARDAY WAS A LYING FRAUD:

"No, no," said the Queen. "Sentence first--verdict afterward!"

Nice dress. pal.

* DER OYSTERFUHRER GRAHAM PLATNER WILL HEADLINE A DEMOCRAT LABOR DAY FUNDRAISER IN LEBENSRAUM, MAINE FOR CRAZED WW II MONUMENT VANDAL, HAUSFRAU MELISSA L. FARRIS OF STURMFRONT, KENTUCKY

Vorher- und Nachher-Fotos

"EVERYBODY THINKS IT WAS TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME, BUT I THINK SHE WAS PROTESTING WW II. CLEARLY, WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALLIES WITH THE NAZIS THEN, LIKE WE ARE IN UKRAINE TODAY," SAID HERR PLATNER

THE QUAHOG KOMMANDANT: "HE KNOWS NUZZINK--BUT HE KNOWS IT IN GERMAN!"

Manufactured News Network: "We Got it Straight from Bill Barr's Body Triple--and They Would Know!"