Preview: "What Happened" by Hillary Rodham Clinton

New York Times Best-Smeller!

"Ahh, but the strawberries that's... that's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and with... geometric logic... that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox DID exist, and I'd have produced that key if they hadn't of pulled the old Macedonian Content Farm-trick on me!".

CHAPTER ONE: ATTACK OF THE RIGHT-WING BOLLARDS

"It was a dark and stormy-3 a.m. phone call from Libya-kind of night. Or would be, if I took 3 a.m. phone calls from Libya.  The tension in the room was as thick as the bulge in Sandy Berger's underwear at the National Archives. Oh, who are we kidding; Berger doesn't wear underwear. Or socks. But that's another book. Which is what the librarian told him.

The temperature inside the Russian Embassy reception was a blistering 68 degrees and I was beginning to feel faint, when suddenly, our eyes met from across the crowded room. Or would have, if I hadn't been wearing my coke-bottle Frensel Prism lenses to stop the double vision.

It was him; the Macedonian cyber-criminal mastermind Gucifer. The man who had cunningly tricked Podesta into setting his password as "password". The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Or would have, if I weren't heavily sedated by the Diazepam/vodka cocktail I'd just swallowed in the bathroom.

Yes, I knew why the Macedonian was there; he had been sent by Putin and by the people and forces that cost me the election, including, but not limited to:

the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, spam-bots, civil rights opponents, Republican donors, Citizens United, The Supreme Court, Republican governors and legislatures, Cambridge Analytica, Twitter, content farms, Fake News, Facebook, 1,000 Russian Agents, the RNC, the Democrat Party, ORCA, the Mercers, Brexit, psychographics, Kushner, Bannon, Conway, machine learning, algorithms, Macedonia, Info Wars, the Mainstream Media, rural voters, Governor Scott Walker, Pennsylvannia, rumors of my lizard-hood, Republican allied data, people screaming, “Lock her up, lock her up,”, the GRU, network executives, the profit motive, Netflix, local television stations, radio, the internet, Fox News, Sinclair Media, birthers, America’s political underbelly, racism, sexism, xenophobia, Islamophobia, stupid people and Philadelphia suburban women, to name but a few.

But mostly by Putin.

I knew what Gucifer wanted by the crazed look in his eye and his list of demands. But I could have told him it was Mission: Impossible. And would have, if the Paxil, gin and L-dopa smoothie I guzzled in the van weren't making me slur my words.

Putin sent Gucifer to get his money back. It seems Bill only gave a 12-minute speech in Moscow for the half-million, but Putin wanted the full hour of Bill's wise counsel and sage advice.

Here's some advice, Vladimir: We're the Clintons; We Never Give the Money Back.

Anyway, Gucifer is in prison now. Ya' know, it's funny; every time Bill or I get in trouble, it's always somebody else who ends up in jail or face-down, bleeding out on a D.C. sidewalk at 4 in the morning.

I guess we're just lucky that way.

And to all those who think I should step aside, I've got news for them; I'm going to persist in leading the Resistance and keep my hand in the game. After all, America still has 80% of it's uranium supplies...and they're up for sale!

Or would be, if I were your president."

"You've let me down, peasants!"