Tonight's Show is Sponsored by Democrats: "If we only share our maniacal yet tedious impeachment obsession with you dullards one more time, you will certainly want to join our deranged cult this time!"
(Los Angeles, Mexico) After wowing crowds in the nation's capital, Dirty Cop Bob Mueller took his Uncle Leo-LEO-act on the road, appearing on "America's Got Talent, But Washington D.C.--Not So Much" at the Dolby Noise Reduction Wiretap Theater.
Dirty Bob told the baffled judges "When witnesses appeared before my team and claimed that they didn't know, didn't care, couldn't remember and wouldn't say 2,483 times like I did yesterday, we charged them with false statements. Therefore, in the interest of fairness, I am charging myself with perjury. Now, where's Paula Abdul? I was promised Paula Abdul!"
All 37 of Mueller's handlers, fixers, baby-sitters, Swamp Dwellers, professional liars, associates, minders, sherpas, toadies, Clinton donors, life coaches, bodyguards, body men, confidence men, bagmen, bag ladies, ladies of the night, night crawlers, backstairs crawlers and commissars all scrambled to the microphone to say Bob Mueller was not, in fact, within Bob Mueller's purview.
According to witnesses not hired by John Brennan, they grabbed Mueller and threw him into Hillary's campaign ambulance and drove away, to his anguished sobs; "...but Andrew promised me Abdul!"
 |
| Snopes: The Stooges were not German Party-members as previously thought |
 |
| ...they were Japanese spies! |
(Babylon, Akkadia) After several tawdry episodes of "fact-checking" jokes made at the Christian satire site "The Babylon Bee", Snopes has decided to go full-Groucho and begin "fact-checking" comedy acts in order to protect the weak-minded and unsuspecting public from dangerous and unverified punchlines. Or as Snopes likes to call them, "punch-lies".
Here are some of Snopes' vitally important findings:
* The Cone of Silence: Neither Cone-shaped nor Silent--but who will tell the People?
* Alice Kramden never actually made a moon-landing.
* Who is on first and What is on second, but I Don't Know is now captain of the Women's Soccer Team.
* Henny Youngman did not, as a matter of fact, want you to take his wife.
* Historians now agree: Sgt. Schultz knew somethink, but was too inhibited by the social pressures of his time and place to express it.
* "Fronkensteen" is actually pronounced "Frankenstein" after all.
* Achmed the Dead Terrorist is not really going to "keel you" or anybody else.
(Hollyweed, CA) Tonight is a Red Carpet evening in Tinsel Town, as Hollywood stars gather to celebrate their own bravery against the Trumpening at the 82nd Annual Enema Awards. They will present the special Irving J. Thalium Award, celebrating the Unique Conscience of the Individual Artist As Long As He Remains Within the Strict Confines of the Herd. DiCaprio is favored.
Due to #MeToo -concerns, no living actors were willing to host the show. In desperation, producers hired Zombie Rodney Dangerfield.
Like Mueller's cellphone in the Oval Office, our microphones were there:
"What's so wrong with telling someone to leave the country? They're mad at the president, but half the actors in Hollywood have told themselves "You need to pack your bags, get out of America and don't come back!" De Niro, Streisand, Clooney--they all told themselves to get the hell out of the country! That fat girl who steals everybody's jokes--what's her name--yeah; Chuck Schumer! They all promised they would get out! But none of them have done it!"
I can't give no respect."
 |
| In this famous photo, Elvis asks Rodney for a DEA badge. |
 |
| Hey, Snopes: Actually, Rodney does get respect. Fact-check yourselves, Fraud Squad. |
No comments:
Post a Comment