MNN Weakened Update: The "Omar is sad," said Omar-Said--Edition

Manufactured News Network: "If It's News, It's Manufactured!"

"When I was a kid, we manufactured news with nothing but a dog-eared copy of 'The Paranoid Style in American Politics', a Five-Year Soviet grain forecast and a reel-to-reel tape recorder--and we liked it!" 

* El Chapo was sentenced to life in prison yesterday. He was charged with Operating a Human Trafficking Ring While Not a Congressman.

Pictured here, Coyote Booker tries to abduct a random passer-by for his trafficking empire.

* Pentagon officials were called up to Capitol Hill yesterday by panicked Democrats. The military spokesmen reassured lawmakers that the Iranian Drone downed by the Navy was, in fact, not Valerie Jarrett. Former Sec. of State John Kerry said he would discuss it at his next scheduled negotiation with the Mullahs.

* Obama/Hawaii/Roberts-Judge Jesse Furman ruled that there would be no citizenship question on the 2020 Census. "Americans don't need to know things. When they know things, they start wanting to make informed decisions and citizens deciding things is dangerous to our system of democracy," said Judge Furman.

However, in the Long Form's 28-page questionnaire on your bowel movements, the hack judge did allow a question about how many people in your household were forced to drink out of a toilet by President Trump.

* Archeologists just announced a startling new discovery. Long ago and far away in The Land Before Two and-a-Half Years Ago, a president named "Obama" told 3 million minorities to go back where they came from--and forced them to do so. At gunpoint.

But in a nice way.

* Germany's Angela Merkel saluted the 4 Congresswomen of "The Squat" in their blitzkrieg against President Trump. This marks the second time in less than a century that a shaky German leader has made an alliance with Jew-hating Islamists against a popular 4-term US president.

"Pssst...you know who else lied about concentration camps?"

* As a way of crapping on a moment of national unity, The New York Times published an article praising the Soviet Space Program as more diverse than Apollo 11. This marks the ten-millionth time in less than a century that the Times has served as a fluffer for the Soviets.
"It's been decades since the fall of the Soviet Union, and we still can't stop ourselves," said Collusion Desk Editor Smear Smirnoff. "Besides, Putin ordered us to."

Duranty: the Original Well-Creased Pant-Leg

* Medical doctors were called to Beverly Hills recently after TMZ noticed that Miley Cyrus' had not been photographed with her tongue inside her mouth since 2005. As of 2019, EMTs were unable to budge the appendage. "Well, at least she's not cross-eyed, too," said ambulance driver Billy Ray Bans.

* When reporters asked if, as a former California attorney general, Kamala Harris supported California's new co-ed Trans-prison law which allows rapists to choose women's prisons and prostitutes to choose men's prisons, Harris said: "I look forward to debating Vice-President Nathan Bedford Biden."

* After Bernie Sanders' campaign workers demanded the Living Wage of $15 per hour that he promised all Americans, the Vermont senator led his confused staffers on a wildcat strike against himself.

"That management bastard up in the penthouse is going to pay up! Solidarity! Let's stick it to the Man...oh, wait...I am the Man!" After Union Bernie negotiated with Management Bernie, workers were offered free tuition to Burlington College, the shuttered institution that his wife drove into bankruptcy.

"We're not gonna' take this fraudulent offer from the Suits! Who do they think they are?" said Union Bernie. "Now get back to work; Papa needs a new Moscow Honeymoon!" said Management Bernie. Eventually, the strikers settled. For Elizabeth Warren.

And that's the way it is-ish.