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| News, Fresh Off Our Modern Assembly Line! |
* (Oberfuhrer, OH) The FBI uncovered another dastardly college admissions scandal, this time at Oberlin College. It involves parents who are lesser-known actors adding false shoplifting charges to their children's permanent records in order to gain admittance to Oberlin.
The actors include Howard Farkfurter who played the part of "Waterfront Bartender" in an episode of "Magnum, P.I." and Evelyn Schmelkis who portrayed "Bystander No. 3" in a "CHiPS" reunion show.
Schmelkis was previously arrested for stalking Erik Estrada, but charges were dismissed because it wasn't William Shatner.
* (San Francisco, CA) Google CEO Sunday Pincher announced today that Google would soon address the housing shortage for employees by building thousands of units in the Bay Area.
"I envision my tech workers all living together in a giant dome. I call it the "Dot.Com/Housing Bubble". There, all of Google's employees would be able to monitor you people while inbreeding with each other, with no interference from the outside world!"
Google was still searching for a giant bubble manufacturer, using DuckDuckGo.
* (Washington, D.C.) Democrat National Committee spokesperson Natalia Veselnitskya issued a strongly-worded rebuke of President Trump's handling of the Iran incidents:
"Mr. President, how dare you attack/not attack Iran! This mining of oil tankers and missile shootdown by Iran only prove that President Obama was right to allow Iran to build ICBMs in five years."
Sec. Kerry was dispatched to negotiate with the Iranians, you know, the Way the Framers Intended(tm).
* (Sacramento, CA) California's Governor Gavin Guilfoyle just announced that Republicans are headed for the "dustbin of history".
"They will be placed there right next to the historic El Camino Real mission bells we are removing from the University of Santa Cruz," said the governor, whose super-powers include letting wildfires burn out of control and erasing history.
The "dustbin" comments follow on the heels of Los Angeles declaring itself a Garbage Sanctuary City and San Francisco declaring itself a Needle and Feces Sanctuary City.
Elsewhere in San Francisco, the Ninth Circuit ruled that the Trump Administration can defund Planned Parenthood abortions, a policy the President calls "Deferred Action on Childhood Arrivals".
* And in Sports, the House just passed a bill that would force all women to compete for their own medals against men who believe they are women. The bill is entitled "The 'Get Used To Bronze, Bitches!'-Act of 2019".
A spokeshuman for Speaker Pelosi explained "They're only girls--what do they need trophies for anyway?"
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| "Sure, you can karate chop some little intern, Acosta--you want some of this? |
Crazy Bag Lady Selling a Book Claims She Hasn't Changed Clothes In 23 Years...
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| ...and I believe her! |
The patient in question is standing up for Law and Order--no, not the concept; the TV show, where she plagiarized her story from a 2012 episode! And that's Show Biz!
The Management of MNN would like to take a moment, however, to compliment the #Professional Liars at New York Magazine and CNN. That is how news is manufactured--Bravo! That's why you guys the pros!
SHUDDUP-DATE: Sen. Romney and Sen. Ernst have foolishly called for an investigation-- even though the matter was already fully investigated by Detectives Benson and Amaro in Season 13!
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| Here, an unemployed bartender/actress auditions for 'Law and Order: Professional Victim Unit' |
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