BREAKING NOW...
* TO REPLACE JOHN KERRY, BIDEN WILL PICK JOHN PODESTA AS NEXT CLIMATE CHILD MOLESTER CZAR
* REP. AYANNA PRESSLEY BLAMES WALGREENS FOR CLOSING STORES IN HER DISTRICT WHERE SHOPLIFTERS STOLE ALL THE WIGS
*BIDEN ANNOUNCES SURPRISE VISIT TO ROXBURY'S CORNPOP MEMORIAL POOL AND REC CENTER, FOR VIGOROUS AND JOYFUL LEGHAIR-RUBBING SESSION WITH MIGRANT CHILDREN
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| "Yes, it all started here, kids..." |
* In Bidness News, noted Gigolo John "Ketchup Lurch" Kerry sent Heinz shares plummeting last week after bizarrely claiming people will go hungry unless we close thousands of American farms.
However, the stock price stabilized after the Condiment Communist explained he didn't mean shuttering his own tomato farms. He meant closing other people's farms.
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* And in Local News, random shopper Frank M. Davis III was forced into the changing room of Bergdorf Goodman's by Lucifer himself, where Davis was assaulted and made to wear Satan's panties on his face--even though Davis is the Sudden Death Paddleboarding Champion of Martha's Vineyard.
Authorities are expected to bring charges in 10 or 15 years after the Law and Order episode airs--if they can convince Mr. Davis to remove the Victoria Nuland's Secret-brand lingerie from his face.
Good luck with that.
JUST IN...
* THE McCONNELL/SCHUMER/LUCIFER BORDER BILL WOULD RENAME BORDER PATROL "THE BELLHOP PATROL".
IT FEATURES EXCITING AND POPULAR NEW CONCIERGE SERVICES FOR ALL IMMIGRANTS FORTUNATE ENOUGH NOT TO HAVE THEIR WIVES AND CHILDREN SEIZED BY THE OBAMA/BIDEN SEX TRAFFICKING CARTEL FIRST.
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"Can I get that extra-large bag of fentanyl for you, sir?" |
Manufactured News Network: "Where Our Number One Priority is Funding Ukraine and Our Bar Tab, but Mostly Our Bar Tab!"
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