Manufactured News Network's Weakened Update: The Overstocked, Over-Sexed and Over Here in the Spare Bedroom of the Obamas' Fourth Mansion-Edition

Manufactured News Network: "Now, More Than Last Tuesday Afternoon!"

"Don't make me sic my bodyguards on you like a CNN anchor at a wrestling gif.-match!"

Sponsored by Overstuffed.commie: "We have more crooked government agents hanging around than Epstein has broken neck-bones. Buy yours today...before they try to buy you!"

* (Trump Heights, Israel) The Israeli government was going to let Rep. Ilhan Omar in until she asked for one extra visa so she could bring along her husband, her brother, her ex and her sponsored refugee. 

                             Pictured here: Out of solidarity, the Clintons meet with Rashida Tlaib's grandmother

Granny to Granny!

* (Hampton Beach, NY) "Study:" Almost Half of All Americans Wear the Same Underwear For At Least Two Days
It was a an unscientific survey of a thousand adults at a Hamptons bar by Don Lemon.

*  (Denver, CO)  Former Governor John Hickenlooper ended his free publicity stunt presidential campaign this morning and announced his Senate campaign by lunchtime.

He was immediately set upon by the howling leftists who now run the Democrat Party as "insufficiently progressive".

"That's just not true," said Hickenlooper. "I took my own mom to see "Deep Throat" long before there were 57 genders. And as a mayor and restaurant-owner, one of my illegal alien kitchen employees shot and killed one of my city employees, Detective Donny Young. That gives me perspective on both sides of the immigration debate to dissolve America."

By contrast, Elizabeth Warren plans to sew up her fellow-Menshevik vote and then pivot to her record as a $675. per hour corporate attorney, where she seized a coal plant from a rural power cooperative for Big Power, litigated against black lung victims, asbestos victims, plane crash victims and leaky breast implant victims from the sinecure of her affirmative action-slot at Harvard with an expired law license. 

If Bernie doesn't "Lock Her Up!" first. 

In other campaign news, Democrats have banned all debate about Climate Change after Joe Biden claimed "there are at least three" climates.


* (San Francisco, CA) In this city where the dogs step in human poop, the City Council has approved politically-correct language to spare the feelings of criminals. 

Convicts will now be referred to as "justice-involved persons".

The Federal Government will not be following suit, however.

"It would be too confusing," said DOJ spokesman Luth Lexor. "On the outside chance that charges are ever brought against Jim Comey or even Loretta Lynch, that would make them the "Justice-involved justice-involved". And if John Brennan were charged, he would be the "just as involved justice-involved". So you see how it could get tricky."

Just so.

* (Washington, D.C.) The health issues of Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg have raised concerns that her clerks are writing her opinions, prompting this official statement from the Court:

“We do not have Obama judges or Trump judges, Bush judges or Clinton judges. What we have is an extraordinary group of fully-animatronic judges doing their level best to appear virtually-realistic and fully life-like to those appearing before them. Here--put these glasses on.”–Chief Justice John "the Cyborg" Roberts

* (Pratt Falls, ID) The once-respected fact-checking site Snopes  continues its bizarre jihad against Christian satire site The Babylon Bee. 

"Babylon does not have any newspapers named "The Bee" and in fact, there is no longer even a Babylon, either," said Snopes Vice-President for Satire Suppression Hugh Merliss-Gitt. 

"With our Marxist academic partners at Ohio State, we are also looking to fact-check other classic political satire," said Gitt. "Did you know for instance that, despite what Hunter S. Thompson said about him, Hubert Humphrey was actually a swell guy and not a slimy, amoral jack-leg grifter who licked psycho-active toads and then stripped naked, disappearing into the rain forests of New Guinea for weeks at a time on mind-warping Ibogaine-benders?"

"We also find that Mark Twain's "The Gilded Age" is misleading; you simply cannot apply gold overlay on a span of time. Similarly, M*A*S*H is not a medical documentary of the Korean War as most people think, but is, in fact, a situation comedy. Furthermore, we rate Archie Bunker's claim that "Gee, our old LaSalle ran great" as: FALSE. It needed some transmission work and did not meet California Emission Standards, either," Gitt asserted.

"However, Archie's claim that Rob Reiner is a "meathead", we rate: NOT JUST PROVEN, BUT COSMICALLY, MORALLY AND METAPHYSICALLY TRUE."

(PRO TIP: If you "fact-check" a joke, you are one. 
And if you "fact-check" a political joke while pretending to be unbiased, you're a joke and a fraud.
And if you "fact-check" a joke as means to get your political opponents de-platformed, de-funded and silenced, you're a joke, a fraud and a petty tyrant. And a dirty rat-fink. Status: FACT.) 

Snopes: Gilt-tripping Twain

* (Dirty Cops, VA) In response to the claims of Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne,  disgraced former FBI Director Jim Comey and his disgraced lab assistant Andy McCabe put out this statement: 

"The FBI doesn't work that way. We never told him to get all freaky-deaky with a dastardly RUSSIAN!-Super-Spy. That is simply not the sort of thing the FBI does," they claimed.

"No, when the FBI conducts a coup attempt against a president, we follow the highest ethical standards. We may try to overthrow your government, but we draw the line at asking a guy to engage in icky non-marital sex with a girl," said Deacon Comey.  "We have our standards."

"He broke us, Jim. Hold me. Hold me now."

In Religion News, journalists of the Assembly of Professional Liars lost their laser-pointer minds after President Trump joked that he was "the Chosen One" to deal with China's looting of America with the help of the American politicians they purchased.

"All journalists regard Barack Hussein Obama, Peace Be Upon Him, as the true Chosen One. We feel that President Trump was mocking our religion," said the Enchanted Times.

"You'll Always Be Our Chosen One, Sir!"

And in Sports News...

"No cameras!"

* (Puzo Place, NY) As founder of "Drag-Strip Groupies Against Global Warming", CNN's Fredo Coumo has challenged the diner who called him "Fredo" to a drag race. 

"This is the way to settle our differences," said Fredo. "Mano a mano. No bodyguards. Just two goombahs and their gas-guzzling machines spewing exhaust on any nearby Climate-Deniers. May the best Guido win!"

"Hop in, Betty Lou...or else."

And in other great Climate News, it's still Summer.  Enjoy it!

BREAKING...International News Update:

* (Bizarro, France) Macron the Micron, in his typical weasel fashion, has allowed Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad "Pallet-In" Javad Zarif crash the G-7 Summit. 

And as Zarif's bitch, John Kerry crashed the party of First Spouses and partners as they toured Basque country, demanding to be included. However, the interloper Lurch was thwarted by two girls in colorful native costumes who beat him up and took his lunch money (pictured here):

Kerry then fled to his family's walled beachfront estate in Saint-Briac-sur-Mer on the Brittany coast to spend more time with his ego.

"...but...but...I speak French! French fries paid for this suit, mon chers! Ouch! ...Ouch! Zat hurts, little girl!"

Freedom For Hong Kong

"I believe that communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history whose last pages even now are being written. I believe this because the source of our strength in the quest for human freedom is not material, but spiritual. And because it knows no limitation, it must terrify and ultimately triumph over those who would enslave their fellow men."--Ronald Reagan

Breitbart: 

"Hong Kong protesters joined hands on Friday and formed a 28-mile-long human chain linking 39 railroad stations, with an American flag raised at the center.

The demonstration was nicknamed, “The Hong Kong Way,” a homage to the 370-mile “Baltic Way” human chain formed exactly 30 years ago by about two million people in Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia to demand liberation from the Soviet Union.

Organizers described the Hong Kong human chain as “a show of solidarity” and “a plea for international support.” Many participants held placards thanking passersby for supporting their quest for “freedom and democracy.” Some expressed a desire to counter the Chinese Communist Party’s claims that the protesters are violent thugs or agents of chaos working for hostile foreign powers.

The human chain was described by demonstrators as a commitment to peaceful expression with numerous families and children involved but also as a gesture of defiance to Beijing and the Hong Kong administration of chief executive Carrie Lam. A potentially much more contentious demonstration at the international airport is planned for the weekend." …….

Of course the Stars and Stripes was at the center. No other banner would do--and certainly not the red banner of the Occupying Power in Beijing.

The hope was that when Hong Kong reverted to China some two decades ago, that Hong Kong would "take over" China, not that China would take over Hong Kong.

Alas, that was thwarted by the Communist Party there...and the Uni-Party here. Our "Elites" completely sold out to China, sometimes literally as in the case of the Clintons selling Loral Space technology so the Chinese could aim ICBMs at America.

Our Best and Brightest were very happy with their parasite/host relationship with their Communist partners in Beijing. They sold out the American people for their own greed and power while helping the Commies suppress their own people and get rich also; Win/Win!

Until Donald Trump:

“Somebody had to take on what China was doing to the United States economically. We’re winning big. I took it on. And it should have been done by previous Presidents, but I took it on. And I’m happy to do it because it had to be done.”

And not one other candidate, either in the last election or this one, had the guts, the vision and the love for the American people to do it.

Not one single one.

That’s greatness. 

And it is bringing the dictators to their end, while the people of Hong Kong stand up for their own freedom. That's greatness, too.

"The totalitarian world produces backwardness because it does such violence to the spirit, thwarting the human impulse to create, to enjoy, to worship. The totalitarian world finds even symbols of love and of worship an affront. ...The years ahead will be great ones for our country, for the cause of freedom and the spread of civilization. The West will not contain Communism it will transcend Communism."--Ronald Reagan 

"Live Free Or Die": The Only Other Choices are Collaboration or Slavery

It's Your American Heritage

Head Quarters  19th Octobr 1778

"Sir,

By recent intelligence from the city of New York, there are the strongest appearances of a general evacuation. Where the force of the enemy will be next directed can only be the subject of conjecture; but it is generally supposed, if they operate again any where in the United States, it will be against Boston and the French fleet. Should this event take place, your influence near the seat of war will enable you to render more essential service there, than where you now are. With a view to this, I am to desire you will forthwith proceed to join General Sullivan at Providence. General Hand will succeed to your present command, to whom on his arrival at Albany you will be pleased to communicate every thing necessary for his information and government. I am Sir Your most Obedt servant."--Gen. George Washington to Brig. Gen. John Stark [written in Hamilton's hand].

John Stark, American freeman

Tonight in New Hampshire, our President quoted New Hampshire's famous motto, “Live Free or Die”, written–and lived-out– by Gen. John Stark. It sounds almost foreign to our modern ears, we who grew up in the cocoon of Liberty provided by our Founders, our forefathers and mothers and again by our parents and grandparents.

But Liberty is always to be defended, as we see in our times of Globalist greed, Deep State sedition, Big Tech censorship and manipulation, Radical Academia, One-Party Media and hooded Democrat paramilitaries, stooges bent on arson, to name but some of the tyranny afoot.

Of his militia volunteers:

“They were men who had not learned the art of submission, nor had they been trained to the arts of war; our ‘astonishing success’ taught the enemies of liberty that undisciplined freemen are superior to veteran slaves. As I was then, I am now, the friend of the equal rights of men, of representative democracy, of republicanism, and the Declaration of Independence—the great charter of our national rights—and of course a friend to the indissoluble union of these states. I am the enemy of all foreign influence, for all foreign influence is the influence of tyranny. This is the only chosen spot of liberty—this the only republic on earth. These are my orders now, and will be my last orders to all my volunteers: look to your sentries. Live free or die—Death is not the worst of evils.”

–Gen. John Stark, a stalwart at Bunker Hill, chosen by Washington over higher-ranking officers for the Battle of Trenton, praised by Madison and Jefferson, victorious over Burgoyne at Bennington, who coined the New Hampshire motto in this toast on the 32nd anniversary of that victory in 1809.

“Someday, boys, our own Occupation Government will view us exactly like King George does!”

More: Live Free or Die: The Story of General John Stark by Jon Hersey at The Objective Standard. Also Burlington Free Press and The New American. 

Hearth

Heart

Home, c. 1736

Obama called them Bitter Clingers. Clinton called them Deplorables and Irredeemables.

The #ProfessionalLiars call them Supremacists.

But Gen. Stark called them freemen. 

And President Trump calls us "hard-working patriots who are the heart and soul of America". And so it is. 

Make America Free Again.

LIVE UNTO VICTORY