BREAKING BREAKING NEWS...
FBI COMPLIES WITH COURT ORDER BY RELEASING CONTENTS OF SETH RICH'S LAPTOP--THE LITERAL CONTENTS:
"We were examining the Russian Disinformation device out in Section: Hammertime of the Clinton Executive Parking Lot when it all sort of fell apart from there," said FBI Special Agent Alca Pone.
"Suddenly, a black SUV with Chappaqua tags pulled up and put two slugs in the back of the computer. It was horrible--I can still smell the gunpowder, vodka fumes and adult diapers. Naturally, we've put out an APB and a large reward for any information leading to the arrest of Donald Trump."
Agent Pone said that hopefully the computer would be fixed in a couple of years. After that, the FBI plans to plug it in within five years and turn it on within a decade.
* CHINA COMPLAINS ABOUT SPOTTY INTERNET SERVICE FOR BALLOONS OVER USA
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"When we go to the trouble of bribing Bidens to conduct magnetic mapping of NORAD bases for a nuclear first strike, we expect that data to stream back to China without a hitch. Do better, Google!" said Gen. Li Zuocheng, widely-known as Mark Milley's former Commanding Officer.
American Internet Companies pledged to prioritize sending all secret enemy communications quickly and securely from now on. In their defense, however, they were pretty busy kicking President Trump and his supporters off the Internet.
* MAINE SEC/STATE SHENNA BELLOWS SWATTED
Aspiring Lesbian Dictatress Shenna Bellows was Swatted at her home in Cat Lady, Maine yesterday. Conveniently, Fortunately, she was not home at the time.
We're not saying she staged her own Swatting to garner sympathy and frame Trump supporters, but she was out for dinner at Subway at 3 am in a snowstorm, splitting a meatball sub with Jussie Smollett.
Manufactured News Network: "If It's Not Manufactured, It's Not News!"
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