BREAKING NOW...
* Congress Overwhelmingly Passes the Fluffy Bunnies and Apple Pie Act, Mandating That All Laws Passed From Now Until Eternity Must Contain Ukraine Funding
Act Now Goes to Biden's Desk, Where He's Widely Expected to Put Child Down Long Enough to Sign It
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"Joe, you disgust even me. Now sign the Bill and get out of my chair. I've got to get back to ISIS-K Headquarters in Kiev." "Yes, Mr. President." "And take the ice cream with you." "Yes, Mr. President." And, Joe..." "Yes, sir?" "Take the kid, too." |
* Judge Engoron Approves Ukraine's $100 Billon Loan Application Using Mar-a-Lago as Collateral
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| Arthur "Creeper" Engoron discusses the Art of Creeping with Gym Rat O'Keefe |
* Democrats Agree To Hold Impeachment Trial For Mayorkas For Another $61 Billion in Ukraine Funding
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Have You Seen This Trafficker? |
* Jesse Ventura Claims He Can Beat Both Trump and Biden; Bartender Demands Immediate Payment of Bar Tab
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| There must be some way out of here |
* US Congress Approves the "FISA Surveillance of All Americans Not Named "US Congress"" Act, As If Spy Agencies Answered to Anybody
The Act provides for the FBI's New Imperial Palace, the size of Rhode Island, to be modeled on the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, with Field Offices variously built to evoke the Taj Mahal, the Tower of Babel, the Great Pyramids, the Arch of Baal and the Golden Corral in Bethesda, Maryland. "Bill Barr asked for that last one specifically," said Herr Direktor Wray.
"But don't worry; we've pledged to listen to Congress, if you know what I mean and I think that you do, but if you don't, I'm saying we're going to wiretap them anyway."
On the brighter side, Ukraine will now receive an additional $61 Billion under the new Fluffy Bunnies and Apple Pie Act.
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| "That whole Capitol Pipe-Bomber-thing keeps me up at nights, I tell you!" |
* Hawaii Judge Rules That Thousands and Thousands of Illegal Aliens Who Have Been Sucked Out of Their Seats on Their Free Government Chartered Jetliner Flights Due to Faulty Emergency Doors Must Be Given Jobs-for-Life at Boeing
Although Not A Plaintiff, Ukraine Was Awarded Another $61 Billion Anyway
* East Palestine, Ohio Inadvertently Receives $61 Billion After Changing Town's Name to East Kiev as BidenFuhrer Demanded in Recent State of the Empire Speech
"Originally, the Occupation Regime offered to send the Navy to build us a pier to help Hamas Terrorists escape, but we didn't really need that right now, so we went with the East Kiev- name change-thing," said Mayor Buddy Smith, aka; Mayor Volodymyr Churchill-Freid.
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| East Kiev Mushroom Cloud Soon to be Named in Honor of Jesse Ventura Under new Fluffy Bunnies and Apple Pie Act |
BREAKING NEWS UPDATE:
* Biden DOJ To Sue Sheetz Gas Stations for Failure to Hire Cannibals Who Ate Uncle Bosey
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| Cannibal courtesy of Genesius Times |
Charges Include Disparate Impact Upon Pygmy Headhunters, Failure To be Sufficiently Enthusiastic for Dear Leader's Visit and Knowingly Selling Gasoline
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"I'm shocked, SHOCKED, to find gasoline sales going on in here! Please clap." |
Just In...
* Now Supporting Trump, Bill Barr Says DOJ is Full of Gangsters, Thugs and Totalitarians, and He Plans to Tell Them So at Sunday Dinner
Asked to elaborate, Barr replied "Sure...Fried Chicken, Mashed Potatoes and Gravy, Greenbean Casserole, some Veal Cutlets, a couple of Sirloins, some Onion Rings, a Cherry Pie and a Milkshake."
"And a small dinner salad--I'm watching my figure," added the Clinton hitman.
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| Rocket Man vs. Docket Man: Aside from 200 lbs., the Top 20 Differences Between Elton John and Bill Barr: #3: Madman Across the Water vs. Fat Man Across the All-You-Can-Eat Buffet |
And in MNN Education News, All American Universities and Colleges Will Now Offer Degrees in Plagiarism
"They say 'Teach what you know', and let's face it, we've got a glut of experts in the field," said Prof. Neil Kinnock, a distant relative of Uncle Bosey Biden from the coal-mining regions of New South Wales.
"As I've always said, 'A person who won’t plagiarize has no advantage over a person who can’t plagiarize'.”
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| pictured here: Plagiarism pioneer Prof. Bosey Biden instructs the locals in the Family Business of Plagiarism at the Penn/Biden Center for Unmitigated Greed and Selling Top Secret Documents to the Chinese |
* Yale To Hold Candlelight Graduation Ceremonies Early This Year
Manufactured News Network: "Now Known as The Kiev Time$--Call For Routing Number!"
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