Mr. Trump, Jr.:
"The meeting I had with the Russian lawyer during the campaign was completely innocent.
We simply discussed my father selling Vladimir Putin another 20% of America's uranium supplies while I would be giving speeches in Moscow for half-million dollar payments to the Trump Foundation. We hope to reap upwards of $145 million off of all the various permutations of this deal!
As usual, the deal will be approved by the night janitor at the State Department.
Additionally, our campaign manager would become business partners with Putin in the energy business and accept million-ruble payments from Putin. If caught, those assets could be secretly transferred to a family member. And other family members could lobby for Sanctions Relief on behalf of Putin's Sberbank.
We also secretly conveyed a promise to the Russians to be more flexible after the election on the issue of missile defenses in Poland.
Furthermore, we cut a secret deal with Putin: if he would help give us political cover with the Iran Deal, and supply our Iranian friends with uranium and missile defenses to protect their nuke factories, we would, in return, allow Russia to run amok in the Middle East and establish military bases there for the first time since America ran them out in 1973.
All these practices--and more!--are all standard, widely-accepted and approved practices in Washington, D.C..
They are completely unremarkable, commonplace collusions that require no investigation whatsoever.
In fact, they are the hallmark of Good Government and All That Is Decent, Pure, Good and True(tm).
When Democrats do it."