"Don't make me sic my bodyguards on you like a CNN anchor at a wrestling gif.-match!"
* (Trump Heights, Israel) The Israeli government was going to let Rep. Ilhan Omar in until she asked for one extra visa so she could bring along her husband, her brother, her ex and her sponsored refugee.
Pictured here: Out of solidarity, the Clintons meet with Rashida Tlaib's grandmother
|Granny to Granny!|
It was a an unscientific survey of a thousand adults at a Hamptons bar by Don Lemon.
* (Denver, CO) Former Governor John Hickenlooper ended his
He was immediately set upon by the howling leftists who now run the Democrat Party as "insufficiently progressive".
"That's just not true," said Hickenlooper. "I took my own mom to see "Deep Throat" long before there were 57 genders. And as a mayor and restaurant-owner, one of my illegal alien kitchen employees shot and killed one of my city employees, Detective Donny Young. That gives me perspective on both sides of the immigration debate to dissolve America."
By contrast, Elizabeth Warren plans to sew up her fellow-Menshevik vote and then pivot to her record as a $675. per hour corporate attorney, where she seized a coal plant from a rural power cooperative for Big Power, litigated against black lung victims, asbestos victims, plane crash victims and leaky breast implant victims from the sinecure of her affirmative action-slot at Harvard with an expired law license.
If Bernie doesn't "Lock Her Up!" first.
In other campaign news, Democrats have banned all debate about Climate Change after Joe Biden claimed "there are at least three" climates.
Convicts will now be referred to as "justice-involved persons".
The Federal Government will not be following suit, however.
"It would be too confusing," said DOJ spokesman Luth Lexor. "On the outside chance that charges are ever brought against Jim Comey or even Loretta Lynch, that would make them the "Justice-involved justice-involved". And if John Brennan were charged, he would be the "just as involved justice-involved". So you see how it could get tricky."
“We do not have Obama judges or Trump judges, Bush judges or Clinton judges. What we have is an extraordinary group of fully-animatronic judges doing their level best to appear virtually-realistic and fully life-like to those appearing before them. Here--put these glasses on.”–Chief Justice John "the Cyborg" Roberts
* (Pratt Falls, ID) The once-respected fact-checking site Snopes continues its bizarre jihad against Christian satire site The Babylon Bee.
"Babylon does not have any newspapers named "The Bee" and in fact, there is no longer even a Babylon, either," said Snopes Vice-President for Satire Suppression Hugh Merliss-Gitt.
"With our Marxist academic partners at Ohio State, we are also looking to fact-check other classic political satire," said Gitt. "Did you know for instance that, despite what Hunter S. Thompson said about him, Hubert Humphrey was actually a swell guy and not a slimy, amoral jack-leg grifter who licked psycho-active toads and then stripped naked, disappearing into the rain forests of New Guinea for weeks at a time on mind-warping Ibogaine-benders?"
"We also find that Mark Twain's "The Gilded Age" is misleading; you simply cannot apply gold overlay on a span of time. Similarly, M*A*S*H is not a medical documentary of the Korean War as most people think, but is, in fact, a situation comedy. Furthermore, we rate Archie Bunker's claim that "Gee, our old LaSalle ran great" as: FALSE. It needed some transmission work and did not meet California Emission Standards, either," Gitt asserted.
"However, Archie's claim that Rob Reiner is a "meathead", we rate: NOT JUST PROVEN, BUT COSMICALLY, MORALLY AND METAPHYSICALLY TRUE."
(PRO TIP: If you "fact-check" a joke, you are one.
And if you "fact-check" a political joke while pretending to be unbiased, you're a joke and a fraud.
And if you "fact-check" a joke as means to get your political opponents de-platformed, de-funded and silenced, you're a joke, a fraud and a petty tyrant. And a dirty rat-fink. Status: FACT.)
|Snopes: Gilt-tripping Twain|
* (Dirty Cops, VA) In response to the claims of Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne, disgraced former FBI Director Jim Comey and his disgraced lab assistant Andy McCabe put out this statement:
"The FBI doesn't work that way. We never told him to get all freaky-deaky with a dastardly RUSSIAN!-Super-Spy. That is simply not the sort of thing the FBI does," they claimed.
"No, when the FBI conducts a coup attempt against a president, we follow the highest ethical standards. We may try to overthrow your government, but we draw the line at asking a guy to engage in icky non-marital sex with a girl," said Deacon Comey. "We have our standards."
"He broke us, Jim. Hold me. Hold me now."
|"Hop in, Betty Lou...or else."|