MNN's Weakened Update

Manufactured News Network: "No Yellow!"

(Mustard Clinic, MN) While many scientists are studying COVID variants, other scientists have discovered that the lockdowns are also evolving.

"There are as many Lockdown Variants as there are COVID Variants," said Dr. Phil Goode of Scientists for the Preservation of Their Government Funding.

"There is a Government-by-Decree Lockdown, for example. Also the Vaccine Sales-Lockdown. And the "I'm the Boss of You"-Lockdown for officials who just like to boss others around. Also the "Crush Main Street for Mega-Corporations"-Lockdown . And, of course, the "15 Months to Stop the Spread of Opposition to the Next 15 Months"-Lockdown."

"However," he added, "the Mail-In Election Fraud-Lockdown Variant is still the worst. Because that's the one that makes all the others possible."

(Hasselhoff, GERM.) Chancellor-for-Life Angela Merkel announced today that she has ordered the the Reichstag Building to be fully-masked for the next Thousand Years.

"This will keep deplorable Germs out of the majestic citadel of our Germish Democracy," she said, even though studies indicate masks are ineffective on large old buildings.

Merkel was asked where she got the idea to cloak all Reichstag events from public view. 

"Why, from Housefrau Nancy Pelosi's Jan. 6th Reichstag Fire Sale, of course," she replied. In the original German.

Pictured here, Biden clamps down on the NippleFuhrer-variant

(Washington, D.C.)  A new COVID variant is sweeping the the city of Washington, D.C.. Researchers have now isolated the strain they call the "NippleFührer"-variant.

Scientists think it is caused by attending swearing-in ceremonies and other public functions with Joe Biden.

NippleFührer's insidious side-effects include media blackouts, investigative black holes, prosecutorial shoulder-shrugging, and causing the #Professional Liar-Press to go deaf, dumb and blind for years at a time. 

"Let's face it," said Infectious Meme Specialist Dr. Don Katum. "If this were President Trump, and a teen-age girl said the president had groped her onstage as a child, there would be Congressional hearings, Special Prosecutors, the first successful Impeachment in history and entire tv channels--no, NETWORKS--dedicated to exposing these videos. Instead, the people who thump their their chests about "Speaking Truth to Power" and scream "#MeToo!" the loudest are acting like battered Stepford Wives in oversized sunglasses explaining why "Daddy didn't really mean to touch you there, kids. He loves you."

This new variant is thought to cause the abandonment of all principle by triggering an underlying psycho-sexual condition known in scientific journals as "Mad Power-Lust", although it is highly-treatable by various therapies first developed by Drs. James Warren and Benjamin Rush in 1776.

Actual photo!
(Gay Head, MA) Shadow President Obama scales back his Super-Spreader Party
by firing Pearl Jam and replacing them with Pearl Jelly.

In other Regime News, the CDC has overruled the Supreme Court on evictions. The Court had previously ruled that only Congress could enact these laws, not a federal agency. But Obama's Biden's CDC, in a unanimous ruling, decided it didn't feel like it. 

"For us, it's about the Takings Clause--we're taking it because we're Santa Claus," said CDC spokesman Whudever Chyna-Wantz.

The State Dept. is developing an internal passport that would allow citizens to travel from the living room to the bathroom with only minor inconvenience.

And the Dept. of Agriculture is reportedly working on a project to help transport beef during the Plandemic they call "Full-Cattle Car".

"Some people say "Never go full-Cattle Car,' but we don't see it that way," said USDA spokesperson Ivanna Gasyu.

And not an off-ramp in sight.