MNN's Headlice News

BREAKING NOW...

* AUTO-PEN IS REFUSING TO TESTIFY BEFORE CONGRESS, CITING SELF-INCRIMINATION AND WRITER'S BLOCK

AUTO-PEN, OR "OTTO" AS JILL CALLS HIM, IS WORKING ON HIS PRESIDENTIAL MEMOIRS AND REPORTEDLY THINKS HE CAN STILL PARDON HIMSELF, BUT HAS INSTEAD WRITTEN HIS OWN EPITAPH

Pictured here: Otto with his friend Bill

* ELON MUSK HAS SHUT DOWN HIS GROK PROGRAM AFTER IT WENT ON AN ANTISEMITIC RANT, WHICH IN NO WAY CHALLENGES THE WISDOM OF LETTING LARRY ELLISON'S PALANTIR RUN THE WHOLE GOVERNMENT

AS COMPENSATION, MUSK PROMISED TO HIRE A FEW JEWISH TECH WORKERS, NOT JUST INDENTURED HINDUS

* SECRET SERVICE GIVES TIME OUTS FOR SIX AGENTS AT BLACKROCK'S KILL-BOX BUILDING IN BUTLER

AGENTS WILL HAVE TO SIT AND THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY HAVE DONE 

Pictured Here: Fmr. Dir. Cheatles inspects the bullet-proof chain-link fencing she installed at the Butler Fairgrounds

*SS DEPUTY DIRECTOR: "WE'RE NOT GOING TO FIRE OUR WAY OUT OF THIS. WE'RE GOING TO FOCUS ON ROOT CAUSES, SUCH AS JILL BIDEN AND AUTO-PEN WISHING TO SERVE ANOTHER PRESIDENTIAL TERM, THE DEEP STATE DECIDING TRUMP CAN'T BE PRESIDENT AND THE WICKED LIZARD OVERLORD PERVERT PEDOPHILE MAFIA THAT HAS RUN THESE POTEMKIN OCCUPATION GOVERNMENTS FOR DECADES IF NOT CENTURIES."

WE QUOTE FROM MEMORY

--HONEST ABE'S:

Pictured here: How we used to do it

* IN RELATED NEWS, THE BUILDING BELONGING TO BLACKROCK-OWNED AMERICAN GLASS RESEARCH, WHICH TOTALLY DOES NOT SOUND LIKE A CIA FRONT COMPANY, WILL BE TRANSFORMED INTO A SKI RESORT 

THE BUILDING'S STEEP SLOPING ROOF MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE TO STATION COUNTER-SNIPERS THERE, AS KIMBERLY "MACHINE GUN" CHEATLES EXPLAINED

Pictured here: An FBI ski bum investigates the Black Diamond Runs
at the new Mount Cheatles Ski Resort

Manufactured News Network: "Blaming the Pen for the Shoddy Work--Why Didn't We Think of That?"