*(Washington, D.C.) A State Department spokesman
"There was no impropriety," State Department spokesman Mark Tonedef told reporters on Monday.
"This was simply, you know, evidence of the way the process works in that, you know, any secretary of state has aides who are getting e-mails or contacts by a wide variety of zillionaires, oligarchs and cronies. All of those donors got what they purchased. There was absolutely no fraud. It was honest, straightforward bribery and all parties involved were quite satisfied."
When reached for comment, Ms. Clinton turned off her defibrillator and said "Our Founding Fathers set up this wonderful system of government we have just so that I could charge the Crown Prince of Bahrain $32 million for an arms-sale meeting today. They were so wise...so very, very wise."
When asked for a response, the Founders released a statement saying, in part; "No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States: And no Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince, or foreign State."
*(Teheran, D.C.) President Obama said Wednesday he paid an additional $1.3 billion in interest to Iran in 13 separate payments of $99,999,999.99, keeping the individual transactions under $100 million to avoid reporting requirements, even though the IRS routinely seizes assets for the same crime.
"This is the tried and true accounting practice favored by Denny Hastert and El Chapo," said the President. "We want the government to be as well-run as the private economies of child molesters and drug lords."
“No Money shall be drawn from the Treasury, but in Consequence of Appropriations made by Law.”
Asked why Iran wasn't paying us a plugged nickel for the Hostage Crisis, The Beirut Marine Barracks Bombing or for Iran's role in killing and maiming hundreds of our soldiers with IEDs, Obama replied “Department officials are in touch with a wide range of individuals. The department is regularly in touch with people across the whole spectrum. We feel confident in our ability and our past practice of reaching out to a variety of sources and being responsive. In other words, I'll take it up with them at our next regularly-scheduled Ransom Payment meeting.”
The president also admitted there was one further stipulation of the Ransom Deal.
"Gen. Soleimani of the Revolutionary Guard has demanded a federal job. I was thinking "He's a military guy--let's put him in charge of the VA!" Or maybe he would like to be in charge of Arlington--he's often expressed to me his strong desire to help even more of our soldiers visit there," said Obama to a stunned and silent room.
“Am I not speaking English? I mean, is it coming across as a foreign language? Now if you'll excuse me, we're supposed to meet with four Iranian ships in the Straits of Hormuz to make our next ransom drop.”
*(Der Fuhrerbunker, Chappaqua, NY) Hillary Clinton will receive her first national security briefing Saturday near her home in Chappaqua. The KGB will receive her first national security briefing in Moscow about 15 minutes later.
|US Army's Security Risks|
"I feel the pain of all those working moms who can't afford their Epi-Pens," said the candidate. "My medical handler tells me my anti-seizure Diazepam pens are very expensive, too--not to mention my Foley catheter supplies! I call on Senator Manchin's daughter to lower the price and I demand the FDA stop their mysterious slow-walking on generic replacements. Or maybe she should meet me over at the Foundation for lunch. Nice market share you got there, lady; be a shame if something happened to it..."
*(Bent, OR) Democrat legislators have outlawed all coal-fired power plants by 2020 and will replace them with steam-powered plants.
"No, not 'steam-powered' plants--I said 'self-esteem'-powered plants," corrected Forrest Humper, High Preist of Oregon's Ministry of Energy and Good Vibes. "It just makes sense--we've got boatloads of self-esteem in Oregon just lying around doing nothing."
"At first, we'll have to buy most of our power from expensive out-of-state producers who will pinkie-swear that they got it from organic lightning-bugs. This is the highly successful model we learned from California's recalled Gov. Gray Davis," said Humper. "But after this transition period of uncertain brownouts, we will stabilize our supply and brownouts will become regularized and predictable."
Humper continued: "We've got our own Pacific Northwest "All-of-the-Above" Energy Policy; unicorn farts, Bigfoot droppings, Thunderbird gusts, aura readings, Feng shui, solar flares, saw grass, hammer grass, bong water-power, Buddhist drumming, hemp oil--check the gender fluid on your dipstick, people, because in Oregon, we're powered-up and rarin' to go!"
In other news, Oregon buggy whip futures rose unexpectedly.
*(Galapagos Islands, Oceania) At last, scientists conclusively prove evolution.
Present at Creation: "If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor."
Second: "Depending on the plan you choose you may be able to keep your current doctor,"
Third: "To be certain your doctor is included in your plan's network, contact the plan."
Recently: All statements removed: "White House Office of Health Reform debunks the myth that reform will force you to change doctors."
Now: Insurance companies flee, exchanges close.
Verdict: Success of the Species!
"That's extreme and reckless," said the Clinton campaign
"We are going to obey the existing laws. Now the existing laws are very strong," said Trump.